Someone you love is in a romance scam: how to help without pushing them away
When a friend or relative is caught in a romance scam, blunt confrontation backfires. Here are the warning signs, how to talk to them with empathy, and the concrete steps that actually help.
Watching someone you love pour money and trust into an online “partner” they’ve never met is painful — and the natural reaction, confronting them with the obvious truth, usually makes things worse. Romance scammers work by isolating their victims, so the most useful thing you can be is the opposite of isolation: a calm, non-judgmental person who stays close. Here’s how to do that and actually help.
Signs someone you love may be in a romance scam
No single sign is proof, but several together are a strong warning (see the box). The pattern to watch for: a fast, intense, online-only relationship with someone who can never meet or video-call, plus money flowing out — often for a sudden “emergency” — and secrecy or defensiveness when anyone asks. Many victims also start pulling away from the people who might raise questions.
How to talk to them (without pushing them away)
The goal is to stay someone they’ll confide in:
- Lead with empathy. Skip “I told you so.” Ask open-ended questions and listen — AARP’s experts stress gaining trust over winning an argument.
- Don’t shame them. As Scamwatch puts it, intelligence and experience protect no one from sophisticated manipulation; resistance to help is a normal response, not a weakness.
- Don’t issue ultimatums. Cutting off contact isolates them further — exactly what the scammer wants.
- Frame it around their intent. Focus on their good intentions, not the mistake.
How to help them act
You don’t need to “prove” anything to start protecting them — the most protective move is slowing the money (see the defense box). The habit here is The Pause on Money: help them hold off on the next payment, then verify and report. Do a reverse image search of the photos together; help them ask their bank to stop or reverse transfers; and report it to the FBI’s IC3. To recognize the playbook yourself, see the warning signs of a romance scam and how to spot a fake dating profile. For more, see our defense moves and the 60-second quiz.
- A new online-only romance with someone they've never met in person, who always has an excuse not to video-call or meet.
- They're sending money, gift cards, or crypto — often for a "partner's" emergency like medical bills, travel, or customs fees.
- They get defensive or secretive when asked, and may be pulling away from family and friends.
- Help them pause the next payment. Stopping money going out — gift cards, wire, or crypto to someone they've never met — is the single most protective step.
- Lead with empathy, not "I told you so". Ask open-ended questions and listen; shame pushes victims into secrecy.
- Remind them this isn't about being foolish. These are professional manipulators, and intelligence, education, and experience protect no one.
- Help them verify and report: reverse-image-search the photos together, ask their bank to stop or reverse transfers, and report to the authorities (in the US, the FBI's IC3 at IC3.gov).
The instinct when you see someone you love being conned is to grab them by the shoulders and shout the truth. I've learned that's the one move that reliably fails — it just makes you another person they have to hide from. The scammer wins by isolating them; you help by being the opposite of isolation. Stay close, stay kind, and aim your energy at one thing: stopping the next payment.
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Frequently asked
They get angry or won't listen when I bring it up. What do I do?
That reaction is normal — it's a response to manipulation, not a character flaw. Don't issue ultimatums or cut off contact; that isolates them further, which is exactly what the scammer wants. Keep the relationship warm and open, ask gentle open-ended questions, and offer to look into the situation together rather than telling them what to think.
Should I just tell them plainly that it's obviously a scam?
Usually no. Blunt confrontation ("this is obviously a scam, what are you doing?") tends to backfire, because the person is emotionally invested and often ashamed. AARP's experts advise gaining trust by asking open-ended questions and listening. Only about half of older victims tell family or friends at all, so staying a safe person to confide in matters more than being right.
What concrete things can I actually do to protect them?
Focus on slowing the money and gathering proof. Encourage them to pause any payment; do a reverse image search of the "partner's" photos with them; help them contact their bank or wire provider to stop or reverse transfers; and report it to the FBI's IC3. With their permission, being added as a "trusted contact" on their accounts can add a safety net.